Duck Duck Cougar?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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