i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
