God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
