So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
