who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
