There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
