It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
