sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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