Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
