I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
