hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
