The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
