Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
