I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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