I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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