u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
