There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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