You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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