Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
