my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
