That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
