How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
