a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
