So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
