At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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