it hurts more in the daytime
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
