well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
