i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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