I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
