Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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