Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
