I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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