Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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