i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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