I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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