Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
