I cannot find my penis.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize