The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
