Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
