First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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