so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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