Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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