Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
