Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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