I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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