Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
