the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
