this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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