if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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