you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
