wake up i wanna do it froggy style
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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