If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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