I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
