so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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